#[[because I keep triggering myself with things and thinking imma be numb to it but RIP. HERE WE ARE FOLX]]

[stanfordprepped]

[[I just think he's neat? And tbh when I see my sam it's season 1-5 vibes. Am I wrong in this?]]

[ne-fe-li-bata]

Aye yo CORPSE!  ...

Dead ass;

You can't convince me that Corspe was/is/does ; 

in no particular order..

• Deserve to be held ( I would smother him with my chest and hold him tighter than he has ever been held) & protected from this world

• Pyro! Mans loves🔥🔥🔥 - mostly his fav elemental  (Leo is a fire sign); “WOOO... now that’s a fire!”

•  Loves knives/weapons- has a collection (quite a nifty 1, ay thank-a-you) & even knows how to use butterfly knives/ tackle combat.

      Has a collection of weapons (brass knuckle, daggers, swords, knives,etc.)

•  Highly interested in combat/training. Most likely has training in some sort of combat. Loves any form of physical combat < UFC,MMA, Boxing, any type of martial arts>

•  Absolute proper gentlemen / clearly has the utmost charm/cunning

      I.e holds the door open & will slap yo ass on the way in, moves you away from street side when walking, pulls chairs, defends your honor, etc.

• Takes A . L . O . T  to truly capture his attention- but once you have it ..%100

•  With his person; protective/obsessives/ possessive/ sensual/ affectionate .

              < mine is mine. me no share -like absolutely not at all>

             “ You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down for ya“

• RP'er on DeviantArt/chats had his own OC. (also prob had his fav person to RP with) 

         <prob even talked to them in MSN or private chat>

•  Watched mostly nothing by anime/cartoons (nick/CN) as a kid & also mostly watched certain shows/movies as a kid well into his teens

         (could recite quotes/scenes as second nature)

•  Not a major musical theatre type of kid. But musical movies/shows was 1 of his favs- but still highly interested/ in love with theatre/musicals/preforming arts none the less.

-EYES DON’T LIE

•’staring problem’ he’d just stare at you -deep in his head (both good & bad) you’d have to bring him back to you ..”babe- eh, come *snap*back to me. What’s on your mind my love?’

•  Genuinely a really warm person- but only to certain people, but comes across cold & distance 

•  Grew up in the internet & knows the way around the 'business' & 'faceless' YouTubers/celebrities

•  His teens/ late adolescents consisted & grew up on YouTube O.G videos/ video game commentary/content;

  Cry.. <Cry was a huge part of my life & still hold a special place in my heart. Corspe just like I was most likely devastated with the shit that went down> 

Jack

Nova

Sp00n

Jontron

Smosh

Nigahiga

Shane

Jenna

Hanna Hart

Phil/Dan

KevJumba

Ray William Johnson

Pewds

Machinima

EMT

ERB

Wassabi Prod.

VlogBros, 

-etc

• Has an oral fixating (lovebites indefinitely <like dead ass ya’ll be chillan/ out & he’d attack you> & just needs something in his mouth always)

• Fidgety af, always need to be playing with something in his hands/playing with 

•  Is a goddamn absolute certified freak--but also super soft bean boi. (can't stress how this boi needs& deserves to be protected)

• Constant hand/arm touching/stroking for comfort.

• Daddy{papi} / Mommy(mamá) . Master . Sir  kink - hard control kinks- but highly sub. 

hard(er) kinks

• Lovebites = M I N E 

obvs fishnets/ crossbody straps/ lingerie

lace

collars/ restraints 

toys

     •RP

degrading/praising

sub/dom switch

showing/proving your actually/completely & utterly his/ he’s completely & utterly yours..

& of course you know it's go time when 1 - if not both of you has kitty ears on. 

over stim 

*no touchy/ don’t let me go*

“look at what I’ve done to you”

“you kno only I can do this to you”

“look how greedy you are for me”

“look at the mess you’ve made because of me’ 

“cum on my face”/’cum for me”

“who do you belong to” / “you belong to me & only me”

100% all black clothing 🖤

*that once we get home / I swear I’ll deal with you right here, right now* look 

primal play  “when you run from me, it only makes me want you more” “you know imma find you kitten”

pet names (beast< i feel like you call this man “ (a) beast”-he about to lose his absolute fucking mind> , “oh Corpse/______, you absolute fuckin’ beast- my God” kitten, babyboy/girl, baby(e), bae, my love, lover boy, my darling, slut, needy little bitch, cum slut, lil’ whore, master/mistress, king/queen”

“only yours” “just ______” “ no-one but _____” “only____” “only you” 

‘I’ll keep you so no one can find you or bother us’

“that’s my girl” / “that's my boy”

“would you like to/ I saw----”

“look at me” “don’t look away from me”

GROWLING / talking through clenched jaw

not breaking eye contact 

     • his name & ‘Corspe’ being cried out 

“cry out my name for me baby. know who you belong to”

video/sexing/teasing 

breeding kink

voyeurism

abrasions

aftercare af 

impact play 

24/7

edging 

accidental stim; “holy fuck- I’m so turned on by you rn”

rope bondage 

begging 

worships 

•  But also soft kinks; 

MEME SENDING

head on lap/chest

naps

playing with hair 

matching outfits

voice messages 

always touching (somehow)

no space between bodies

picture taking together/ just of you

body rubs, head rubs

massages

competition 

play fighting

“this reminded me of you”

“I remember you said” “I know you...”

“you know I love you”

“I can tell by your eyes”

“ugh- I swear to shit imma marry you 1 day”

“nothing really made sense until you”

“do you wanna watch”/ “WAIT!? YOU HAVEN’T SEEN?!”

“damn- you really do love/like me, eh?”/ “you are SO fucking mine”

“that’s my girl”/ “that's my boy”

pet names/ “MY_______” “YOURS”

long stares

dates- stay at home dates are his fav, as your attention/focus is just on him 

choker/necklace/ jewelry (that 1 of you bought- NOT LIKE HIGH PRICE TAG, but like seen it & was like ‘omg ____ would so wear...’) 

cuddles with movies /anime watching time

just being in the same room/on call- even in silence 

* emojis*- just some sort of communication 

inside jokes/ puns/dark humor

seeing 1 another with kids

future kink (family, travel, etc)

playing video games 

dancing/ singing with 1 another

Sitting on the ground, wrapped around his leg when he streams/edits

Nerf gun fights 

Watching him record (tracks/editing/streaming)

•  Loves- loves surprises <like dead ass would set up a surprise date/ do a scavenger hunt for you/ surprise you with your fav thing>

•  Loyalty is everything & his best attribute (& pride) 

• The music that he make is from the soul/heart. He pit everything has has/what he has left into his art

•  No one has seen the real him - a side he truly hides

•  He's both book & street smart

           Taught himself through YouTube/Reedit/online 

•  Fav actors; Jim Carrey/Robbin Williams/Will Smith (?)

•  Man’s straight up dangerous. we only know like a  quarter of him & people fall at his feet. ( h e . i s . n o t . t o . b e. F U C K E D . w i t h) 

•  Hates silence 

         ( constantly needs background noise)  <also can't fight me on this babyboi cuddles pillows/blankets for night-night time>

•  People don't understand the pain he is in every day, unless they have fibromyalgia/GERD/high functioning (sever social)anxiety/depression/ agoraphobia 

(my mom suffers with fibro/depression <I myself have GERD/ sever social amenity/depression>& I wouldn't wish those illness on my worse enemy...)

• Over all pain has changed him

• Has dealt with self harm since a young age- most likely 9- 11 yrs old. (as someone else who’s suffered with SH for years- when you become so numb it 1 of the only ways to feel some sort of anything/makes you feel like you’re alive)

• Addiction (drugs/people/things)

•  Wrote & read a lot of fanfiction

        (most likely his main source of reading in pre/teenage years)

• Is a hopeless romantic but has his guard way up

•  Obsessed with Japan / Studio Ghibli

• Doesn't think he deserves any of the recognition/ fame he's gotten--but definitely deserves it all as he's creative & inspirational as fuck. Also he’s worked so hard for it & had put himself through so much

    Contrary is highly appreciative of those that are supporting

• Doesn't do it for the fame but for the fact he know how he's gotten people through hard time (just like those on the internet got him through)

• Was a scene boy that vibe’d of myspace/ listens to a lot of  ‘scene’ pop-punk, emo/ scene band shit (band?)

•  Also is/was a major tumblr boy

•  Would be a phenomenal father

•   His love language: physical touch & words of affirmation 

• He would flinch at touch movement but would melt in your hands

• Face caresses would trigger anxiety/ tears.. but once he’s calmed/comfortable would burry his face in your touch. neck & chest

•  Still caught up in daydreams

•  A part of him is still never satisfied even if it’s exactly to the pin point detail of what he wanted  

•  Has at least 40/50(ish) songs he hasn't released

•  Mommy & daddy issues (not saying his home life was really- really  fucked - but non the less- it certainly wasn't the best).. Also wants to protect/provide for his family (especially his sister) & was prob closer to a grandparent/aunt/uncle)

•  Definitely prefers to be by himself, as every time people come around, it's like;‘"this is why I'm okay (ish)with being alone" 

• lost an important person to him due to O.D/ suicided..

•  Also most likely to of heard his "friends" shit talking 'Corpse' or something correlated with him

•  His pride is his biggest sin (next to lust)

•  Has single-handedly defined a huge part of 2020 ( in the best way)

•  Went through a fighting stage where he was ready to fuck anyone up on a drop of a dime (middle/'high school'/street fights- possibly even under ground)

          but also a stage where he cut absolutely everyone off for a solid couple years

•  Most likely obsessed with 1 of 3 creatures; lion, dragon, wolf ( 5ish- possibly bear/fox)

•  Dinosaur obsessed 

• Internet & video games raised him

• He raised himself

Quick to adapt to surroundings/situations.

•  Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was his shit ( I CAN SO SEE YOUNG BABYBOI RUNNIN AROUND THE HOUSE IN A POWER RANGER SUIT) "IT'S MORPHIN' TIME MOTHER FUCKER"

              fav ranger- green 

•  Has up until next year planned out & is working on the next 'version of corpse' ( PR, vids, music, etc)

•  Also med/high key this man was most likely in a physcward (more than once) ..

•  This man deserves more than he'll ever give himself recognition for & knows in the back of his mind--people will hate just to hate

•  Rose is his fav flower  🌹

•⛈️🌧️. >🌞.  Loves storms/ rain & prefers them over sunny days

•  Loves the moon/stars/space (?) < observatorium dates = fuckin mint>

• Pixar/Disney lover

        <still believes- deep down in happy ever after ... but thorough an twisted yet not so twisted- simple(??), dedicated process(?)>

•  Fav Pixar movie.. either Wall.E or Toy Story 

    •  Pixar > Disney

         •  But fav Disney movie- Beauty & the Beast (?)

• Most likely had a Jackass obsession's (doing dumb hoodshit)

•  Fall is his fav season (?)

•  Horror/ thriller movies/shows over everything (obvs)

•   Had an escape place in town where he’d hide from the world- that absolutely no one knew about. 

•  Was really into graffiti/ street art 

•  Arested as a youth - but charges dropped- or was still considered a mirror (either fighting/ possession/ trespassing/ vandalisms)

• Arrested on heavier charges (also same as above - but not tried as an minor)

•  also-ALSO ... thou he feels like he owes people something. HE DOESN’T OWE ANYTHING TO A N Y O N E . His mental & well being is the most important.

•  On a side & major note. You can't deny that this man single handily is a (in my opinion) the 2nd biggest “C” that define 2020.

•  Was most likely really into skateboarding/BMX

• Late night drives/impulsive road trips & playlist/ sitting at lookouts, just in silence & touching 1 another. 

• Clingy af-.. but could also be distance & cold af- especially on high pain days. stormy brain days. PTSD episodes.

• Slow dancing/ dancing around the apartments. with or without music.

• Rocking out with each other- screaming lyrics in each other face.

• “hey baby- how you feelin” 

         *grunting* *shuffles over & lays on chest* 

• Huge comforts for 1 another;

      Especially when going out, being wrapped around him for comfort & reassurance. Even being at home alone together- panic attacks are shit, PTSD episodes are even more shit. helping each other with bathing & caring

     When he’d be hiding from his reflection- or stares just a little too long. Going up behind him & worship him (vise versa)

• He’d be your biggest hypeman/ #1 fan (vise versa)

• Would LOVE you wearing his clothes/jewelry & would love to wear you things.

Was probably engaged to his ex (that's why he gets offt when people mention "corpse wife"

There'd be days where he'd be so distance & cold.. & tell you to leave but wouldn't let you.

He'd sit in the bathroom with you when you shower/have a bath.

As he doesn't sleep most night. He'd be up just watching you sleep & caressing you.

Lil spoon > big spoon.

<more to be added>

I love you... genuinely . turly.  madly. deeply.

[marshmallowprotection]

what kinda asks? like, story requests? or just headcanons? because... imma just throw this out there... Saeran blocking himself off from contact when he cries, because he doesn't want people to see him "being weak" or something... so yeah...

Literally whatever you people want to send me is alright with me. HC, requests, the works. THE ASK BOX IS OPEN. I’m also writing something personally that I’ll be sharing later that has bad end 3 written all over it. I could talk about and make content for this boy for hours. If you ever wanted something angsty as hell about this boy, let’s go there and break some hearts this week. WINK. 

Recovery was never an easy thing. 

Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it could be destroyed in seconds on the flip of a dime, and the work that it took to rebuild after something like could take a long time. Saeran had gone through a lot in his life, and while he wanted to believe that he was going to get so much better just because you both escaped from Magenta, his gut had told him otherwise. 

Happily ever after wasn’t exactly what happened.

It wasn’t like when he was a free man that meant that he was free to do everything he ever wanted without feeling the claws of the past. Every single day wasn’t perfect, and while he had you with him, and he had a new support system that he had never had before, coping with the effects of Magenta was going to take him longer than one afternoon. 

He didn’t just get better one day and all his pain and issues did not disappear to the wind. He still had these moments where he felt absolutely horrible, where the overwhelming night terrors took hold of him and shook him like a starving junkyard dog, and where he felt like he was going to suffocate because of the flashbacks that so haunted him. 

Frustratingly true was that fact when one of the smallest triggers caused him to seize up.

Saeran would suffer, quietly, balling up all of these feelings because he didn’t want to burden you with any more of his pain. You had already gone through so much because of him, and he didn’t want to make you feel as though you HAD to comfort him every single time something happened. 

Times like these would be where his consciousness divided, bits and pieces of Ray would come out, or chunks and rumble of Saeran would come out. 

There would be times when he crumpled into himself and locked himself away from the world because that’s what Ray did the instant things got hard, that’s what he did, and it was the only way he knew how to react. 

Then, there would be times when Saeran peaked out, and although he wasn’t as violent as he once was, his attitude was still harsh and he would say things and instantly regret them, then he would lock himself away. 

It was hard. 

It was even harder for you to try and coax him out of these fits once they started up. 

You hated to see him in pain, but sometimes, he really did need to be alone to sort out those hard feelings. Tonight was one of those nights and it had been particularly bad because when you tried to offer him comfort, he slapped your hand away, it wasn’t hard nor was it malicious, but the instant that he saw the pained look in your eyes, he shut himself away. 

The locked door would not budge no matter how hard you pressed your palms against it. “Saeran,” your voice was soft as not to startle him. “Please let me in, you don’t have to be alone.”

“It’s better this way,” came the muffled voice from the other side. It sounded like his voice was hoarse, and as if he had been crying bitter tears of frustration at himself. His back was pressed to the door and he could feel the gentle tapping of your touch from the other side. “I don’t want to do something stupid. I don’t want to hurt you, fuck, I really don’t want to hurt you again.” 

“I should have made sure that it was alright to touch you, first,” you give up at trying to open and twist the knob, but you stay pressed to that door. You don’t want him to think that he’s alone. “I know that’s one of your triggers. I’m sorry about that.“

Saeran’s bitter laugh was sharp and burning in his throat. “You shouldn’t be the one apologizing. You’re an angel, I’m just a big fuck up. I can’t even control my mood swings. Who’s to say I don’t completely lose control of myself one of these days and really wind up hurting you? I would never forgive myself if I went and hurt you again. I’m just this walking time bomb, a burden that’s dragging you down.”

Would you be safer if he pushed you away? 

Or was it safer to keep you close to him?

Sometimes your voice was all he needed to overcome the storm on his own, but there were times when that just wasn’t enough to drown out the voices of Rika and his mother. His skin crawled, and he wanted to claw at every part of his body that itched from the phantom memory of withdrawal. 

Saeran was petrified at the thought. He didn’t know what he would do if you weren’t with him, and the thought that he could do something horrible again and lose you? Oh, God, he just got so bothered by that notion when he was in this headspace. He loved you more than anything in this life. You were his everything, and he didn’t deserve somebody as kind and as sweet as you being the monster that he was. 

If he did something… 

If he lost control… 

No part of him wanted to imagine that. 

“You aren’t a bad person, Saeran,“ your voice speaks to him. “You are not a monster.“

Saeran wasn’t so sure about that. He looked at his hands and he could see the same hands that had worked for hours to destroy people, the same hands that had manipulated others for the sake of a cause he had been forced to believe, the same hands that were used to pull your hair and rub against your throat as the petrified look in your eyes filled the bitter part of him with feeling. 

Numb. 

Scared. 

Nervous. 

Hard to breathe. 

You were saying one thing but his mind was feeling another way entirely. His body was here but his mind was back in the waking nightmare that was Mint Eye, and the person that he used to be. He shook his head and dug his nails into the pads of his palms. 

“Leave me alone, please,” he pleaded with the thoughts that arose, green eyes shut tightly. “I don’t want to be alone… I never want to be alone… but… I don’t… I don’t want to hurt you again. I can’t deal with that. I can’t do that right now. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. Just leave me alone right now. I can deal with this. I can handle this. This is what I deserve. I earned this.” 

You stay right where you are, so close to him and yet so far away at the same time. This is all that you can do for him, and you are willing to stay here all night if that is what it takes. “Ray,” your voice comes across once again. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay on this side of the door all night if I have to. You can stay in there with the lock but I’m not going to leave you to deal with this alone.”

His chest was wracked with sobs all night long as he struggled to fight his demons and the fears that haunted him at night when he was alone with his thoughts. You were always there for him, he just wished so desperately that he could be a better person for you. He wished that he wasn’t so fucking weak and helpless. 

[adhddude]

Ignore if you want, imma just vent for a minute

I’m not sure what has been going on with my head lately. I don’t know if it’s derealization, depersonalization, dissociation, or what but I think it’s one of those (I can’t remember what any of those really mean at the moment).

I brought up at my last psych appointment how I knwo for at least a few years that I go through short periods (like a few seconds, minutes, sometimes multiple hours) where I don’t feel like myself, I feel numb, things around me don’t feel real, I don’t feel real, or anything and everything just feels off. I also almost always have the issue of not being able to remember anything that happens during the episode of whatever it is. Like, I know somethings that happened and have a very vague idea of what it was, but I can’t recall much. I’m also a lot more impulsive with what I do and say.

Also when I “come back” I act a lot more childish.

This has been getting worse and happening more and more recently, starting to happen more back in August. Before then it rarely happened, so I didn’t take too much of notice to it.

She asked if I was ever abused (because one thing I remember is that dissociation most commonly occurs in PTSD), and I said no. I don’t think I ever was. She asked if I was in counseling, I said that I havent been since like sophomore year in high school. She asked if it was something I wanted to start again, I think mostly for figuring out why this is happening. I said maybe, but I’m really busy in the fall semester so I don’t know if I’d be able to.

I’ve been a goddamn mess guys.

I’ve started keeping track of how often it happens, what I was doing beforehand, and approximate start/end (for the lack of a better way of describing it) times for it. I’m hoping to find a pattern with it and identify triggers (I’m pretty sure I’ve realized that seeing current pictures/videos of my ex is one because after seeing him on a friend’s snap story I was dissociating or whatever for about 4.5 hours (it usually only lasts about 1.5-2 hours for me)).

I’m just hoping that maybe we can do something that will make it stop, or at least happen less. It’s fucking with my mind and my ability to do things, and I hate it.

[firyalsabhilla]

as a comeback, i just wanna say something i would never say to anyone. anyone.

I start to lost a lot of words; i start to have a hard time to talk, to say, to express what i feel.

I don’t wanna say, ‘oh trauma!’ pft, no, i know, it sounds too much for a person like me, who used to live in such a perfect life, to have such a trauma that kinda stop my brain to function as good as how it used too. 

i start felt numb, since my last break up. 

i dont wanna say i was traumatized, but let say, i have a bad experience and i just don’t wanna feel the same type of thing again, so i run, as far as possible, from everything that i think may give me the same effect, the same feeling to feel one day. 

i am having a hard time to handle and control myself. My anger issue is sometime near to a warning, to the point where i fantasize myself hurting someone, murder someone, and how i release my anger by imagining the courage i never have to hurt someone without feeling guilty, to see someone mad, angry, bloody in front of me, by seeing them scared, desperate, and how i just will keep my poker face just to annoy them.

i act like a cold serial killer, where i hide behind the image people see me as so far, and once they do one thing to trigger me; welcome to your grave yard sweet heart.

but you know me, i am weak as hell, mentally and physically. i can’t punch someone, i even have a hard time to open a new bottle’s lid, how will i murder someone? i will end up be the one under the pilled soil--and well, im not mad for that, i lowkey want it but just dont make me suffer too much, thanks. 

anyway.

since you know imma weak and all violence is only happening in my brain, instead of act like a cool baddie slay everyone’s head in front of your way up, i just end up crying like a baby to release how desperate i am to run from the fear that come out of nowhere. 

dad is gone.

it gets worst when i can no longer see my late dad. 

and all the problem that coming afterwards, sadly, i can’t tell anyone what happened, even i really want to tell what happened. 

every time i go outside, i can’t handle myself to remember all the guilt and regret, the fear, it was so stressful. 

every time i walk myself out, i cried for no reason and it hurts my head so much. well, i can’t just scream my lungs out and cry when i am outside, people will question my sanity right away, so i tend to hold it but sometimes it just unbearable. 

i locked myself in my room, i cut ties with my beloved friends, realizing how toxic i become, how i no longer can use my logic to thing straight and right, how i was such an attention whore, how i just find it so tiring to pretend like you are okay--to laugh out your sadness, to say, ‘its hillarious that this happen to me haha, no, do not feel bad about it.’ Well, yea, do not feel bad about iit, please don’t. this problem is just me and i have to handle it. 

it just so .. exhausting. 

i don’t actually know what i am writing now. 

but all i feel, i just feel so drained.

i feel comfort when i am alone. i once stopped seeing people for a week and damn it felt so good, it just you and you, you don’t have to deal with anyone, you don’t have to thing about anything, it just you. to finally know how it feels like to be a priority is just so good and i don’t wanna leave the feeling. 

i cried again, i remember what dad used to do and how limited my time with him was and how i --huh-- feel so betrayed, i feel so dissapointed to him, to myself, and i don’t really to make this as a reason; but it is, it is the reason why i am being myself today. 

how i just wanna die, how i get numb, how i life in fear for no reason, how stepping out from my door room is just fucking terrifying. 

i thought about suicide almost every day, i stop praying to god cus i feel everything is useless. hearing how people are just “yauda kalau uda kehendak Allah--” makes me wanna puke. 

well, what keeping me alive till today, not gonna lie, its all thanks to my photocard and the thought i have to keep them save so i can resell it one day without lowing the price. 

my hand is shaking when i write this, lmao. fyi, tmi. 

and i kinda get into the conclusion, from everything that i felt, from all the hurt i hate to feel, i decided to just live my life as it is. i lost my motivation to life, i lost the willing and wanting to be a better me, i lost the force of being what kind of person i dreamt of. 

i lost everything already. 

all i feel was just ... nothing. nothing can sparks a joy, nothing is actually can make me feel better --well, jaehyun’s syb photocard for free maybe--all i can easily feel is pain, sadness, fear, feels so traumatic, lowkey. 

i don’t wanna meet new people, i will never get marry--or if i have to, ill just marry random guy and i will never can fall in love, not because i can’t move on from the last guy i met, i moved on already lmao, but i just hate to come to the phase of broken heart and blah blah, i can’t handle those type of thing anymore. 

so i will be alone, from today. 

or- meet a new people online, cus they will just forget you once you gone from this world without questioning a thing. 

to conclude everything, i am dead inside and i hope i can dead outside as well too. 

i know.

i should have not felt this way; many people have the struggle that is way harder than what i feel. i should have not feel this way cus i stil have some luck and previlage that other people don’t have. 

but i just can’t resist the feeling.

instead. just take me.

i really .. wanna die. 

dissappear.

gone.

[sexygarbage]

1:20am

Have I written about how I realized that I have a hometown murder???! I recently finished every episode of MFM that isn’t a live show and isn’t a minisode. So, now I’m going down the list of minisodes. Which, are just as entertaining, if not more so than the good ol fashioned shows. And every time I hear these hometown murders I am like so jelous that I don’t have a story to tell! I mean, people are writing about close encounters with famous serial killers or even unknown killers. Or like not even murder related but touching and thoughtful or about ghosts or the super natural. And I wanna be featured on it so bad. I was listening to them talk about a mother who had murdered her own baby or something and how it’s the lowest of the low in prison if you’re a mother who murdered your baby. And then it all came back to me. I had a middle school/high school friend named Barbara Ramirez Sufuentes who drowned her two twin babies in her bathtub like 4 years ago!!!!!!!!! I honestly thing I repressed this memory because at the time, she had started posting more on her facebook about them and also she had commented on a depressing instagram picture I posted of a bb gun to my head. She was like “are you okay? guns are kinda serious” And then she straight up murdered her two twin daughters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At the time, I just could not believe it. It was a numbing time, a depressing time. Me and Barbara had fallen out of touch. It was weird of her to even ask me anything about myself because we had not spoken for years. So, I’m sure at the time I just repressed it. I wasn’t into true crime shit just then. And when I was listening to MFM I re-remembered. I wrote to them but I doubt that it will get read because sometimes I feel as if I have to dumb myself down a little bit and I probably did that in the email, causing it to probably be boring and I don’t think it would make the cut :/ 

But! It was interesting to re-remember something from my past. Barbara was like one of those girls who were super intimidating and like really pushy. And you kinda just had to feed into their delusions in order to maintain peace you know. There was something about her that was always a little unhinged, or like off... I always thought that... which is why I wasn’t so committed to staying friends with her after middle school yanno. But upon my research, she was arrested on mothers day and she claimed it was a horrible accident. She started the twins bath and was listening to music very loudly and the next thing she knew they were dead... She was also seen smiling when she got arrested! She was found guilty and is serving a 6 year prison sentence. People in the fb comments were heavily debating. A lot veer into the side of it just being a crazy accident and then some people are too ragefilled about it. Also upon researching, I discovered a prison penpals website where she wrote an ad seeking friends while she was in prison. And it was very strangely written, she only said she was in prison for a crime that was due to recklessness on her part and that she hadn’t done anything wrong before that. She also used a lot of quotes and named the bands she listened to... It just seems so creepy to me. Because with all the red flags, it’s so obvious that she totally killed her babies and it was not an accident. But this was a girl I basically grew up with!! We might have even had a sleepover or she at least came to my house once or twice!! She was someone that I knew. Someone that I had study hall with, someone that influenced me as a kid and she totally fuckin murdered her own children!!!!!!! I mean, it’s crazy when I think about it now. Now that I am so invested in crazy shit like this and have heard so many fucked up stories. And the thing that baffles me is that when you’re in school, it feels already like a prison. And everyone around you can bond over the fact that you are all pretty much miserable. And Barbara was def not a student who stayed out of trouble. She was always in trouble. She was fuckin crazy! School is like baby prison. Prison is like real life adult serious prison!!!!!! Like, murderers, rapists, unfathomable, unforgivable crimes is where prison is! And I already empathize way more than I need to so when I realize the legitamcy of it all, it fuckin freaks me out. Ofc I didn’t write anything as poignant and personal like this when I wrote the email for MFM. But, I still shared the small barely interesting story. 

I keep thinking about it and I just wanna know that they read it. But I can’t count on that outcome. I’ve just listened to like 5 minisodes in a row and they have all made me laugh and cry and scream and get goosebumps. They make me feel so many emotions, and they trigger me and I begin to feel genuine feelings which is so hard to come by especially because the people close to me are a majority of sociopaths. And when I listen to the stories and the carmraderie and the sense of belinging, it just warms my heart. I mean I hate to be so cornball about it. But shit, I’m mostly having a bad day and I’m mostly secretly struggling and feeling out of place and uncared for and this just totally turns me around and I become intrigued, I am put in a trance where things are just not so shitty and the hottest of tea is being spilt in the most twisted of ways! It is everything I live for! 

So yeah, I’ve been emmersed in these crazy stories, I might be gong insane a little bit. I also wanna write about my thoughts on my therapist because I don’t write about it that often. Me hanging out with Coco so much and hating it is an indication that I, too, am quite insane. Because I have no where else to go. And so I keep going back to Coco when I know she makes me feel like shit. It’s not normal that every time I call Sas, we have to have a Coco complaints hour. I know it’s fun to talk about the dysfunction of others. But at a certain point, it is spilling onto me. And look, the situation is not easy for anyone. Idk if anyone would care, but I would be certainly sad if I just straight up ghosted everyone cus I couldn’t stand Coco. No, I love everyone else, that’s why I have to put up with Coco. And when I go to my therapist about it, I could be talking about so many other things... My committment issues, my daddy issues, so many other issues but all I wanna talk about is how many times Coco has rubbed me the wrong way within two weeks! And I tell my therapist how shitty I’m feeling, and it upsets him to know that I’m upset so then I feel even more shittier. And we know the only solution is to get rid of her but it’s not easy and it’s not realistic. And I’m kinda just looking for a scientific explination of my dynamic with Coco, of my reasoning for my own attachment. But we never get there. With my therapist, he never gives me a scientific explination as to why I am the way that I am with certain people. He praises me a lot, he tells me positive things about myself and shitty things about everybody else. And on one hand, I do need to hear good things about myself because not many people are praising me and I need validation. But on the other hand, I am uncomfortable about it and I don’t know how to make that clear. I just think my therapist is way too emotional. Way too empathetic. And way too on my side! I mean, I know I’ve been gaslighted to believe everyone should be mean to me, but I need someone who is unfeeling. Someone who will give me scientific explanations. I’ve been kinda wanting to break up with my therapist :/ Which sucks because I love him so much. And part of it is me. Because I just don’t know how to deal with someone who sees me for me. I only know how to deal with people who make me the butt of the joke or something like that. I’m not used to people being so nice to me and it freaks me out and it makes me uncomfortable. And I know I shouldn’t feel guilty about it. But idk what to do. Also, my therapist is good at taking this into accountability, but it is different to have a white therapist when I’m not white. And he’s like super aware of racial differences, super understanding. And sometimes I just feel like I need a person of color therapist you know. Maybe not straight up filipino because you know pinoys are judgemental and hella religious. But at least just another person of color and a woman, so we’re all on the same page. Like, my therapist is an openly gay trans man and you could not ask for a better sense of open mindedness and a radical stance on politics. But, I am already so emotional. My therapist cannot be more emotional than me. It makes me feel like I have to retaliate and so then I become unfeeling. 

And also, the thing about therapy is that your therapist is always gonna be on your side. I was talking to Sas about what Coco’s therapy is like and it’s true, you can just straight up lie the whole time. And that’s probably what Coco is doing. She is doing her mother teresa act, crying her crocodile tears and her therapist has to buy it, her therapist has to be on her side and tell her the things she thinks she wants to hear. But her therapist is missing a huge chunk of Coco herself because therapists will only ever get your side of your story. I have probably hurt a lot of people too, and it’s not supposed to matter to your therapist. But sometimes I just wish it would so I could know how much of a shitty person I am. The way Coco’s therapist would never tell her. I wanna know all the bad things about me. A stranger just can’t know that about you because ofc I’m seemingly nice, and so are the thoughts that come out of my mouth and into my therapists’ ear. Ofc, he’s not gonna tell me all the bad things about myself. Ofc it’s just me finding new ways to hate myself even when I try to get better about it... Sometimes tho I feel as if I don’t even need therapy when I know so much shit already. But that’s just me being cocky and stupid... Anyway, idk! Imma just ride it out. I still have writing. And I still have my podcast and other creative endeavors. 

Actually, you know what I think this is me just like dealing with the fact that therapy is really that hard. I mean, you tell everyone to go to therapy but it’s only if theyre willing to work at it. Because it is a constant constant battle. And it’s never gonna be easy. And it’s so hard for me to like not feel bummed out about it because life is so hard. And then sometimes I just feel like there is no hope at all. Even when I put myself in a position to see that there is.. 

[unholyhelbiglinked]

Summer Society | 006

[Yo, Imma put a trigger warning right here. I don't think it's too necessary considering my other work. But better safe than sorry. I guess.]

The dull yellowed light of the fireplace cast odd shadows across the red carpet. Every piece of furniture seemed stretched, contorted in some unimaginable way. To a child, it would be a bit terrifying.

The mind had a way of making monsters out of something as simple as a few shapes.

Hannah reminded me of a child in this moment, her mind racing as she kept her knees pressed firmly against her chest. A large quilt was wrapped around her shoulders. It made her look smaller than she actually was.

The fire crackled in a white noise as it ate through the wood, the scent filling my lungs as I kept my hands on my knees, not exactly knowing where to start, or if this even was the best place to talk to Hannah.

She had been amazed by the first sight of the large house. It was filled with rooms that the other counselors got to call their own. It was the least I could do, considering. It was build like a ranch house, the inside rustic and filled with leather hide furniture and old dusty books.

Mamrie and I had shared a large enough room that took up the attic. It was more like a loft, complete with a fireplace, two beds, two dark leather recliners, and more than enough entertainment that came in the form of electronics and books.

I wasn't exactly sure where Mamrie was at this point, but hoped to god that it was with Chester. That way she would be safe from a few things. Safe from herself.

"You said you weren't human," Hannah's small voice finally broke the silence "I... I could tell that much from the way you acted." I cocked my head to the side at this "I mean, for god sake, everything you say sounds like it's straight out of an episode of the twilight zone."

"Right," I scoffed "you're right. I could stand to be a little more optimistic."

Hannah nodded solemnly, biting the inside of her lip again. She was waiting to ask the big questions, dragging it out for some unknown reason. I was waiting, patient with her. She had done some digging on her own, and that was expected. I knew she would be perceptive from the first time we made eye contact.  

"What are you then?" she drew in a breath "if not a vampire."

I shook my head softly, not exactly knowing what brought her to the conclusion that I was one, other than the pale cold skin and a bit of a bite on Mamrie's neck. "Hannah, most of what you know about the world is about to change."

"I don't care," she whispered, "anything is better than this... this confusion. I feel like I'm being left in the dark, and I don't want that." she moved her eyes so they met mine, the blue sparkling in the light of the fire. "I like you Grace. But I don't like the secrets."

I stifled a smile, hearing those words were nice. Something that I hadn't heard in a long long time. "Okay," I let out  shaky sigh. "I suppose I should start from the beginning."

"I'd like that." Hannah said, keeping her full attention on me, even though my attention was on my thoughts. I wasn't exactly sure where the beginning was. Or if there was a definitive one that stood out. Deep down, I knew exactly the story I had to tell.

"I guess it all started the day I died."

Wintry water lapped at my toes, stealing heat that I so greedily held onto. The air in front of me was forming against the course night sky, rigid and pouring from my lips in a cloud of condensation. I watched it for a few seconds, eyes trained on the mesmerizing patterns that would be ignored any other night.

I was cold. Anyone would be in the middle of a summer night. The sun wasn't out to heat up the murky water. It looked like ink, menacing and filled with untold secrets and creatures. Or at least, that's what the campfire stories said.

"Come on, Grace." Mary mumbled, shoving her bony elbow into my side. It sent a jolt of pain through me, the warm contact being a subtle distraction from the rest of the night. I didn't like where this was going. But I couldn't exactly deny Mary and her friends. "Don't be such a bluenose."

I brought my fingers up to my hair, brushing the long blonde bangs I had behind my ear. My eyes were on Mary- a girl who was stunning, but shorter than me. She wasn't always. I remember last summer, the summer between Sophomore and Junior year, she was so much taller. Then I hit that little growth spurt around Christmas.

In a way, it made me noticeable. Or at least noticed by the girls that practically ran the camp. They had all the campers quaking in fear with one sharp glare- even making a few administrators shake.

"I'm not a bluenose," I scoffed, the term throwing me off. There was no way I would ruin the fun, not when I was just invited into their little group that morning.

Hannah cocked her head to the side, eyebrows knit together as I glanced away from the orange fire, knowing that simply telling the story wouldn't be enough. She would have questions that Only I had the answer to.

"Bluenose? Grace, what year are we talking about here because I..." she trailed off, shoulders slumping slightly.  

"1920, Hannah." I swallowed, my mouth feeling dry. "A very long time ago, but it feels like yesterday."

"19-" She trailed off, touching her fingers to her lips in an effort of thought. Her eyebrows were knit together, a small crease forming between them. "You're-"

"Still eighteen," I butted in, a bit sadly. She sat back in the leather seat, letting out a shaky sigh before returning to silence. She wanted me to continue. I, for once, wanted to continue- wanted a chance to explain myself.

The bathing suit that hugged my sides wasn't doing much to fight against the cold night air. The other girls didn't seem to mind- hell, Betty even seemed like she was ready to jump into the lake headfirst. We weren't supposed to be out here- no one was supposed to be out here.

"Well, you can go back to the cabin if you want," Frances said, her voice carrying a sharp edge that warned me not to, despite the words she spoke "But you're missing out."

"I said I'm staying." I told her firmly, making a smile creep up against her pale lips. How wasn't she cold?  She seemed to ignore the chill of the water as she inched across the rocky shore, letting the water submerge her feet. Mary shrugged as she followed her friend in, not giving so much as a shiver.  

I let out a nervous sigh, my toes finally getting used to the cold, only for me to risk the rest of my preserved heat as I waded into the water, it wasn't so bad after it got past your knees.

"Guys, this is kinda cold." Rosie mumbled from beside me, breaking her quiet streak. She looked more nervous than I felt. Her two friends waved her statement off as they splashed around ahead.

Rosie stumbled a bit, her warm hands grasping onto my arm as I struggled to stay upright. I let my hand hit the nave of her back, holding her up carefully. "Sorry," she mumbled with a slight smile.

"It's okay," I told her, helping her stand upright as we continued to walk towards Mary and Frances. Both of whom were floating peacefully in the water. They didn't give us so much as a glance as we got used to the chill. It really wasn't too bad anymore.

I paddled lightly as I listened to the two girls talk, the main topic of conversation being other people. Rosie seemed to be watching me more than anything, her eyes always darting away as I glanced towards her.

"So, Gracie." Mary finally spoke in my direction, a bit more bitter than I thought it would be. I did what she asked. I got in the damn cold water in the middle of the night. "We brought you out here for a reason."

"Oh," I said, more as a statement than a question. "L-like what?"

"Initiation." She smiled, her grey eyes reflecting off of the tinted water, the moon giving us little visibility, but just enough. "If you want to be one of us, then you have to hold your breath for at least a minute."

I let out a nervous laugh, hoping they were joking. It wouldn't be a hard feat, not at all, but it was cold, and this was a childish. Or at least to me it was. Rosie seemed to avoid my gaze though, not staring me down like her two friends.

"You're serious?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?" Mary snapped.

"No," I whispered, a bit defeated as I looked at the foggy water. Every inch of me wanted to turn back, wanted to swim back to the rocky shore and climb back into the sheets that kept me warm, despite how scratchy they were. But my thoughts wouldn't allow it. They could ruin me. They have ruined a lot of people. Somehow whatever nasty rumors they started at camp would travel back home, making you an outcast.

I had worked too hard to be shunned my senior year.

I took a deep breath, looking at Mary's dark eyes for a split second before moving to the Frances, then Rosie. Rosie was the only one who seemed to avoid eye contact. That wasn't a good sign. None of this was a good sign.

"Go on, Gracie. We're waiting." the lowly girl hissed.

My lungs seemed to burn as I brought in a chilling breath, holding my eyes shut as I let go of all the pending doubts I held. The water was frigid, numbing even. My whole world dark on refusal to open my eyes in the murky water.

The first few moments were calm. The whole world above me drowned out by the lake water. It was quiet, quiet enough for me to count the pulses of my heart as it sounded off in my ears. It was easy to keep track of them. I was up to about thirty seconds when a pit started forming in my stomach.

Something was wrong. Not just fear of not being accepted by a bunch of teenage girls. No, this was more. I started to feel a grasp past the cold chill of the water. My throat caught, despite not really receiving air in the first place. I opened my eyes, the burn of the lake water thick as I squinted. I could see the moon- the moon that looked so red now despite the film over my gaze.

I started to panic, more aware of how many hands were actually holding me down. Four. I had no doubt which two girls they belonged to. I wasn't afraid of water, no,  not at all. But the fact that I was being held into it wasn't something my mind would allow. I started to struggle, my limbs feeling like jelly, my heart hammering against my ribs.

The hands wouldn't relent. I didn't care if they thought this was some joke. To me, I was drowning, my lungs on fire as I opened my mouth to let out a scream- the two sets of hands pushing me down harder as my back made contact with the rocky bottom of the lake. They felt like glass shards, pressing into my shoulder blades with enough force to draw blood. A sharp pain formed against my temple as I knocked my head against something hard. I don't know what it was for sure. A log, a large rock- it sure as hell wasn't sand.

Either way, I stopped struggling, too focused on the pain and shock to hold my breath. My heart  was quiet, unlike mere seconds ago. I stopped fighting. I stopped trying. I stopped everything.

Hannah kept her gaze on mine, a thick cloud of tears covering the striking blue that I was so accustomed to. She kept the blanket to her chin, like a child just hearing a camp fire story. I was sure that was all this was to her- an extensive horror story.

I swallowed roughly, averting my gaze raising my own thumb to my cheek as I wiped away a few tears that had fallen from my eyes during the retelling of a dark story.

"I still don't understand," Hannah sniffed "How are you here, Grace? If you um.." She trailed off, not wanting to say it fully "in 1920. Then How are you here right now?"

"The moon," I told her softly "I mentioned how it looked red."

Hannah nodded softly.

"Apparently it only looked red to me." I sighed "The three girls who killed me understandably panicked. But at the time I guess I didn't care. I was more concerned about the fact that I couldn't move. I was cold, but nothing hurt. They said I didn't have a pulse. Which was terrifying to me, considering I was still there- my mind was still there the entire time."

Hannah clenched her jaw, her breath shaky "So dying is like being stuck forever then?"

I shook my head "I don't think so... Not in every other case. I never really asked the others. It's just- at the time that's exactly what I thought. Which is why I was confused when Mary brought me to the head counselor crying." I scoffed "The counselor at the time wasn't scared."

"She wasn't?" Hannah gasped, completely invested in the story. I shook my head no again.

"No, not at all. She sent them back to their cabins and just looked at me for a little while. That was probably the scariest part of it all. I was only 18 and I had just died- or was in shock, or... or something."

"What'd she do?" The blonde asked, sniffing again.

"She grabbed my arm. And it hurt. It hurt like hell. It hurt worse than my actual death, which I didn't think I would ever have to say. It sure woke me up though, brought me back to reality I guess." I held up my arm, showing the marking of the tribal sun "This was left there when she pulled back."

"So she like... resurrected you?"

"Something like that." I swallowed roughly "Hannah, that legend I told you earlier wasn't exactly a lie. There is a curse on the camp. One that dooms anyone that dies on it's soil. There's not way around it. Not unless... not unless you pass the burden off to someone else."  

"Is that what your counselor did to you?" Hannah's voice was strained "She passed it off to you?"

I nodded "She did. Got herself out of the role I guess... Ever since then I've had to witness the camp claim a lot of lives in a lot of different ways. They all get those damn sun markings, and the stupid red moon but that's all I know." I paused"It's awful, Han, but there is no way I'm making anyone else run this camp and go through what I have."

Hannah was silent again. Returning us to the original game of listening to the fire. I knew she wouldn't be talking for awhile. I knew neither of us would be.